A diary of a man who tries to be lonely, but fails
 
 

Wednesday 19 August 1998     Although you are just a happy few you are from all over the world and have at least achieved to participate to a more common world culture! Yes you did very well and I LIKE TO THANK YOU FOR THAT. I am sorry but my Caps lock locked. But what did you think of the lines you find on these pages and the way of browsing though them. It is a test for a much larger site with some of these navigation styles incorporated. You mustn't exactly know where you are for the simple reason that you are not anywhere, you are already everywhere, and the paths you can recognize and follow within the page, tell you something about yourselves and your position in life. Dwell people dwell, once in a while notice where you are and what you do, tell that to somebody…like me… We sing our songs to you as a group and our music is well perceived, we don't want to be popular so we see to it it is about impossible to obtain music from our band. There are blank tapes going around the world with our music. Last time we have heard was in Australia, Germany, Belgium, Holland and the States. Those tapes feel like the spirit of our music touring through the world. Monday 14 september Hi my dear intruders of our mind. A few have joined us in our common effort to fail the world. Yes people we are all failing our purpose and jerking us a way through life.. I guess... My point is that I have had a busy day, strangely enough the business world is very interested in me and takes up a lot of energy. All that attention is drawn by the fact that computer systems should brings us all we ever hoped for. For most of the times we are drawn to the naughty side effects like waiting and answering questions that should never have asked. So I slip in my own private mistake and jerk around a bit. Sometimes sadness is my counterpart, I feel alone and like to connect to some people who like to look at their lives in a mysterious manner. At times like that I feel my loneliness so strong I have to get out. Where to? Were dò we want to go? Then I surf over my pages look at the lines, feel the sadness of those gone days and feel strongly connected to the person who wrote that. The poor boy is dead now. I for fill my life to keep and care over his work as he sits high up in the sky enjoying the fact that on my site, the reason that made him kill himself, is keeping him alive. We are all now growing older, we are starting taking over from our parents and although some people tend to get stuck in their pasts few of us shall nurse the dead body, often referred to as our world. We will not part from it empty like it is but try to set a world standard of recognizing what is beauty and why so. Ah dear my breath is gone for today, not a strong one anyway, sorry for neglecting you for so long, you couldn't have known. ° ° ° ° ° A rope an end so tied up hanging so still °°°°° I look up to look at you I walk straight  to look like you You are different you are not like me is it..            I was.. A man..         without.. fears..                   and.. I was..                 alive.. and you..                      not.     Tuesday 15 september Thinking about my friend made me very sad yesterday. What has happened since he left us is pretty bizarre. Within our group there was a big discussion about who was to blame, a fair peace of violence was the result. Every month we would collectively visit the site where we buried him, a great deal of drugs and booze got hold of us I guess. Now everyone is very silent and paranoia.  Its our singers birthday, I will attend her birthday, drink, sing along, but still feel the pain of missing. I miss you my dear friend, with whom I could talk so well. I think of all evenings on top of the bunkers in the dunes where we told our dreams and talked about the future.  LOOK AT ME... LOOK AT ME, I AM ALONE, AND I CRY, because I miss you. I loved you, and I will, but please, please don't left me. let me hear from you one more time Friday 25 september Time moves fast, but mind slows down, leaving me with unfinished tasks and a terrible need for drugs. But so is so.  Almost all core members were lately tighter for a little while, we looked at each other and we all knew soon the pain would be over. Time will heal the wounds and the horrors of the past time. Time has come to move on and get bigger. The price was high and we are all children not knowing anything again.  But so much for the unimportant stuff my dear media freaks ( I guess ). Moving on to something more to the point we stop at the point where everything starts. Life. What is it like to live where you live and the one after you. For as you my viewer once moved in my perspective for being another viewer reading this, this as being what you reed moves from this into a different shape in matter of time. That is in different points in time the crossing of the X. Where we are now both in the middle of the X, and in your mind you can look at me and I can imagine anything about you. Now since we are united in this X we exist in a space without time, we escaped our limitations of our worldly life and joined a surreal life.  This world demands a different kind of communication, so we play with the meanings of words, reunite different levels of emotions and truth. We want to establish an open mind with open and free communication...    I have a dream that freedom excises and I am the one to enjoy it, perhaps not in time but at least contribute to the space ( in mind ) of it. I do not want my spirit to die, but my body ( in time). In my mind "now" exacts only where the path of my life crosses the path of my death. Monday 14 october Wildly I laugh nakedly my arms stretched on the floor like a little boy pretending to be dead. But no use no one is watching....  I stand up walk to my window, put my window up, my head out and see the Dom. The big tower overlooking the city I live in.Yes lived here far too long. Now I will retire, I am tired like often before. Time is wrong for me as a soul these days. Very occupied by my future or something. Sometime you feel something is right, but not exactly why...  Well perhaps next week the world settles a while so I can write to you something real nice().. lonely reader. I give my special thoughts to my russian friends...although I don't know them yet. Monday 19 october A Rose for you my guests, as few as you might be. All kinds of new goodies. That's enough for this week and enough for tonight. But special greetings today for Henk B. the old drummer in the band and Jolke in OZ. Special guest this week Lars, the guitarist.               Thursday 29 october   Strange  very  strange  what  I  saw  . Death  darkness  . A  large  space  20  Mtrs  under  Paris  filled  with  dead  bodies  . Enter  this  space  with  respect  , this  is  the  land  of  the  dead. Monday 05 november    Still breathing, still hanging around. This was a day again. I stay at an hotel this week. It's nice not having to care about cleaning and those annoying shits. It is going to be madhouse I guess, so I will be a lonely poet for just al little while. I WILL be promising, the future, and there will be need. It is all so blurry now. I can not even describe what I reckon to be vague. What WILL the future bring, what will we think of it. Can we be happy, will we be that way because we are WASP or WASC? Or are we going to suffer the most, because we had it quite good. Who are we? To my girl  I love you so sweet I love you so dear If I could be with you... I would not feel a tear on my face Wednesday 09 november    Music sweet music, who awoke you yesterday? Da ages were in the mood for some holy trinity, we commemorated our dear departed friend and plugged in. Booze and other spirits were called upon. What we did was calling to the feelings of acceptance of a negative situation, the acknowledgment. Friday 18 december   Time for a party now. This is the traditional month of radical parties. One must take in consideration that the roots of the Dark Ages lie in partying, as well as the future hopefully lies in parties. Let's dance to the sound of his suicide, morbid music intertwined with happiness. What's the crossover in our music besides love and death? Well, come to one of our parties and find out. We switch between the sad music of beethoven and the love of the carpenters. Never leave out the louder sense of music though. Nothing is loud enough for us, we dance to psalm 69, lynch our landlords and think that deutschland had to die. This is the time to think back to that fatal party, we will for always be alone without him swinging from a rope between the dancers, he did always try to lighten up your day with rotting and decay.  Friday 18 december   Hey that was a good party my dear friends. Only fun only fun. Liquor and friends. Friends and booze, boom boom. Boom Boom music, classical taste of new music, boom BOOM bam . Nobody jumped the roof this time, and I didn't get into any fights. That's nice on your own parties...  Sunday 20 december   Such a cool day today. Some strange feeling of christmas was that, the bombing on Iraq. Well if Bill is impeached, I can be forgotten. Let us applaud for the ones with the most chemical weapons the nucleast explosions and the bravest cruise missiles. I know some guy from a Band called Bacteria, meaningful "Bad Metal". But let us, better me,  face it. I had a party going on while Baghdad was being bombed, people feared for their lives... Did I have them in my mind all the time? NO MAN I WAS PARTYING... The world might as well have been blown up before Ill notice, so a few bombs far away are not going to make me care. What does make me care, by making me scared, are those fucked up American Eagles who watched too many cartoons with their ultimate quest for false peace. It was almost a miracle how from the USA and GB people have the power to make it rain thunder in an other city on the other side of the world; and accompany it with loud cheers of military puppets in millions of homes of innocent Tax payers.  Tuesday 22 December Dear public, I have to confess, I am addicted. I am a junky, raised to be nothing more than junk, although I try to fight it, it is to flee in social not adapted (or accepted) much more strong drugs. Anything to get my out of the daily life. Perhaps that is why I am more lucky than other people, I can enjoy more drugs at the same time.          I feel lucky  I feel good I have too much They do not even have food I am bright  I am smart I am strong I feel wrong Now they are starving and I wish them luck There in the deserts and hazards          1999 Thursday 14 January   Like one says, an other new year escaped. We were happy, we had fun, all of us were there, and all of us DRUNK. We were politicly active when we threw empty bottles at cars and we were in danger when the house allmostly burned down. Such fun, such a laugh.   Wednesday 11 February Month fly by, like the bloom of flowers in  the spring. Like music when it is playing. Music does make you fly, but only when you like it. How are you going to wake up if there is nothing to look forward to. Future lies in space, either if it is digitized space, the space you walk through, the space earth moves in or the spaces in your mind. However, where my concioussnes may lie, I hope there is music... h Friday 19 march 1999 If you want to have a good time, have a good time. Have good timing and a good mood. Now we are better than ever able to record shit, a lot of the good stuff is in development. It is such a nice word, development, we are working on it, we let you wait.  We don´t care, just wait and see, it is still completely for free. We do things and we make lies. We dissapoint, but we surprise. You can laugh, we don´t care. We will fly anywhere...         Sunday 18 October 1999 Ran under a car. The car was speeding, so it hurt a lot. Not that it mattered, since I was unconcious. I was unconcious for so long, and I still forget how long. Dont try to feel petty, but it is too late. Can try one more time. Try to think ahead. I must rest now, becouse it hurts.   Saterday 23 October 1999 It was cold when I wandered over the peer. The wind blew and the air was overloaded with a smell of dead cut open fish. Some noises came from fish trailers. I allways went there to think about things and to get sad. To wash away bad memories. The experience of walking towards the end, the waves breaking alongside. I crie when I reach the end, tears drop from my eyes, in the sea... I don't know what happenes on the way back, it seams like a dream to me, walking back to life towards the sounds and the smells.